How to Overcome Being a Perfectionistic Christian - Part 2
by Dr. Peter Martin

In Part 1 of How to Overcome Being a Perfectionistic Christian, we explored some of the signs and symptoms of perfectionism and completed a brief psycho-spiritual self-assessment. In Part 2, we now turn to a Christian psycho-spiritual prescription for pathological perfectionism.

To begin, research has shown that, if a person is in a state of distress, briefly thinking about another person to whom one is securely attached can provide significant emotional and physiological soothing. Thus if perfectionistic thoughts surface, the Christian might check to see if they are turning to, metaphorically speaking, the Prodigal’s older brother (the “inner critic”) or are seeking out the loving embrace of the merciful father or another supportive person. Though challenging, hypercritical persons would do well to consistently do more of the latter than the former to calm and “convert” their perfectionism. As Fr. Henri Nouwen put it: “Both [the Prodigal and his older brother] needed the embrace of a forgiving father. But from the story itself . . . it is clear that the hardest conversion to go through is the conversion of the one who stayed home.”

An additional strategy to relax perfectionistic tendencies is to apply the “x-1/x+1” principle. Namely, decreasing a perfectionistic effort in quantity by doing less (e.g., cleaning the house for 50 minutes instead of 1 hour) and/or in quality by doing it less well (e.g., choosing not to alphabetically order the kids’ toys) can afford the person with more time to engage in leisurely activities and regenerative “pray and play.” I fondly remember a mother humorously translating the x-1/x+1 principle for a perfectionistic client as “get a B and get a life!” A self-critical student will undoubtedly cringe at this suggestion. Also, if one is hypercritical of others’ efforts to grow morally, it is good to reframe one’s views in light of the wisdom of St. Francis de Sales: “We must have a good opinion of those we see practicing virtues, even though imperfectly, since we know that the saints themselves have often practiced them in this manner.”

In closing, the perfectionist’s journey toward peak performance is often wrought with traps that they can’t see due to biases in perception. In this regard, a trusted and balanced mentor or confidant can be of great assistance, because “4 eyes are better than 2” when it comes to tempering one’s extreme standards. Rather than shredding oneself and one’s peace internally after a mistake, the trustworthy and balanced St. Francis de Sales offers a healthier approach to revisit often since life is full of mistakes:

“Alas, my poor heart, here we are, fallen into the pit we were so firmly resolved to avoid! Well, we must get up again and leave it forever. We must call on God’s mercy and hope that it will help us to be steadier in the days to come. Let us start out again on the way of humility. Let us be of good heart and from this day be more on guard. God will help us; we will do better.”