Talking to Young Children after a Loved One Dies

By Natalie Brei, PhD

When a loved one dies, family members and friends must deal with the barrage of emotions that inevitably accompanies the grieving process. Many have heard about stages of grief, including feelings of anger, depression, or acceptance, but it is debatable whether there are truly defined ‘stages’ or a universal progression through the process. How we deal with grief is very individual. Additionally, the way adults and adolescents understand death is quite different than that of young children, who until about age 7 still think very concretely and thus have a hard time with concepts they cannot feel or see. Nonetheless, it is important to provide exposure to talking about death rather than disguising death in an effort to prevent the child from experiencing pain.

The finality of death is more difficult for children to grasp than for older individuals. At the same time, children’s concreteness does make things somewhat easier for adults grappling with how to explain death to them. Below are some guidelines, and while every child is different, these offer starting ideas for caregivers at a loss for how to begin.

1. Start with small bits at a time. Don’t give in to the temptation to say everything at once. We adults want to talk too much, because often this helps us process the big picture. Young children can only process little bits at a time.

Be concrete. Generally, avoid metaphors such as “Grandpa passed away.” “God has called him home.” Children have a hard time understanding how that matches with reality.

2. Here are examples of concreteness:

“I have to tell you something. (Name) died.”

“When you die, your heart stops. You don’t breathe any more, and your body stops working.” You might relate this to something the child knows about that has died, like a bug or bird.

Since (Name) died, that means he cannot come back home. We won’t see him anymore.

3. Feel encouraged to use spirituality: “(Name) is in heaven now. He is at Jesus’ house and he is ok. But he cannot come back here.”

4. Children do well with visuals, and it may help to give them an idea that their loved one’s spirit is still present. This can be done in a variety of ways. “What’s kind of neat is that even though (Name)’s body died, he has an invisible body now. Kind of like an angel, you can’t see him, but he’s like a superhero who’s invisible. So he can still see you and you can talk to him, even though you don’t see or hear him.”

5. It’s ok to cry in front of the child and tell him about sadness without trying to hide emotion.

“We are sad because we’ll miss (Name). It’s ok to feel sad and cry. You might see us crying and that’s ok because we miss (Name).

Depending on the child, you might find that this much may be enough for the initial explanation. Don’t try to push beyond or anticipate questions about the death. Just answer any that arise, with the following points in mind: Since children range so much developmentally, there are not “age guidelines” for how to talk about death to children. It can be hard to know what each child is able to understand. The child will help you gauge what his or her level of understanding is through the questions he/she asks. Try not to offer too much beyond their actual questions.

Most likely, you will get questions about “why?” or “how?” Depending on the manner of death, whether it was anticipated after a long illness or unexpected as in an accident, you may choose to share more or less information. If you don’t want to share many details, that is okay. Try to stick to your original words in these cases: “His heart stopped. When that happens, your body shuts off.” If questions continue and you feel this is not satisfying the child:

a. Don’t tell a lie about what happened just because you think the child will understand it better or you do not want to reveal traumatic details. It is easy to make up a simple story, but it complicates matters later. If you do not want to share, it is okay to go back to simple truths like “She got very sick” or “She was very old” or “His heart just stopped working/he stopped breathing.” The child may have a fear that this will happen to him/her, but you can reassure the child that his/her body is healthy and working well.

b. It is okay to be vague with details. “He got hurt” is ok as long as you are okay with answering the question that will likely follow (“How?”). Be aware that any mental image you give to the child will be held in his/her mind. “There was an accident” is also likely to prompt either questions about “what type of accident?” or mental images of vehicle accidents, whether or not this was the case. Essentially, it is ok to explain briefly what happened, such as a car crash or illness, without going into the level of detail that we as adults sometimes need.

c. If the death followed a long illness or injury, sticking with body parts can help you stay concrete: “His body got very, very sick” or “His heart broke” are examples.

Be on the watch for any self-blaming, even as kids grow older. Sometimes children think that something they did or did not do caused the loved one to die. Reassuring them that nothing was their fault is okay.

Stock up on some books that can help you explain death, funerals, and heaven. I recommend watching someone read them on YouTube before purchasing, as some are more specific to illness or injury, and some are geared toward older children in the illustrations or wording.

Funerals: In preparing for the funeral, many caregivers have questions about what and how much to expose the child to. While many find closure in a visitation/wake service or viewing the body, they may have reservations about whether the child should do so. Again, much of this can be determined by the child and the caregiver’s knowledge of that child. A younger child of 3 or 4 may have a fearful reaction to seeing a loved one in a casket. He may think the loved one is asleep and become confused about why the casket is closed. On the other hand, the child may be curious and use the opportunity as a way to say goodbye. It is not essential that the child view the body to obtain closure or understand death. Each caregiver can decide to prepare a child based on that child. No child should be forced either way.

If the child is curious or has a desire to attend the wake or funeral and view the body, and the caregiver suspects developmental readiness, it is possible to prepare to see the body with the understanding that the person is no longer there, but instead is a spirit/in heaven/invisible now. Note that a young child is likely not mentally or physically prepared to attend a service lasting several hours.

Whether or not the body is viewed, the funeral or burial service can be a chance for the child to say goodbye. This is concrete and provides closure for little people too.

Be clear with others who may care for your child about the words you have used to explain death. Keep a close ear on what others say at the funeral. It is helpful to have all the young children on the same page about the loved one’s death.

After the funeral, the following are helpful:

1. Keep the child in as regular a routine as possible, including home routine, daycare or school, meals, and sleep.

2. Remind him/her of the loved one’s love for that child. Give the child a concrete way to keep that loved one alive in his or her life. Pictures, special items either given as gifts or items that belonged to the loved one, saying “goodnight” to the loved one, or praying for the loved one each night can help do this. It is hard for the adults, of course, but it is important in the child’s process of solidifying good memories of the person who died.

3. Give the child things to hope for and look forward to. Make pictures about what is coming up: something at daycare, grandma’s, a party, a playdate or outing. Talk about looking forward to things often.

4. Be encouraged to ask the child how he/she is feeling about the loved one. This can help you gauge how much to help the child continue to process the death.

Some books and resources to help with words when you do not have the right ones (screen first or listen to them on YouTube to determine appropriateness):

Children Grieve, Too: Helping Children Cope with Grief

God Gave Us Heaven by Laura Bryant and Lisa Tawn Bergren

Lifetimes: A Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen

Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss by Michaelene Mundy

The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages

The Invisible String by Patrice Karst

The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld

Water Bugs & Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children by Doris Stickney

What’s Heaven? By Maria Shriver

When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown

When I Feel Sad by Cornelia Maude Spelman

When I’m With Jesus: For any Child with a Love One in Heaven by Kimberly Rae

When Someone Very Special Dies (coloring Workbook) by Marge Heegaard