A MESSAGE FROM ANN PETERS MILLER, MS, LMHP:

Dealing with a death in the family is very difficult – experiencing the death of a child through miscarriage, neonatal death or stillbirth is no exception. Once we find out we are pregnant we start having a host of hopes and dreams for this little one that will be joining our family. These are then dashed as we get the devastating news that our little one has died.

You and your spouse are going to be grieving very differently – try to be accepting that you are not going to be grieving the same. One day you might be in a good place, but your spouse may not. Some people are quiet grievers.  Grief can make us irritable. Some people may want to be alone in their grief; others might find talking to friends helpful.

Allow yourself to remember and honor your baby. Having a keepsake or some way to memorialize the child will be helpful. Attending a support group specifically for child loss or individual counseling may also be beneficial.

If you have other children, they most likely shared love for your child as well. Helping your child express their feelings and love for the baby is important. Have them draw a picture or write a poem or write a letter to the baby.   Your family might find the following options helpful: releasing balloons, lighting a candle at church, planting a special tree or bush in honor of the child. There is a special ceremony – Order for the Naming and Commendation of an Infant Who Died before Birth. This ceremony can be performed by you and your family with or without a priest. As Catholics we rely heavily on rituals. They are comforting to us.

Explaining to a child what has occurred using honest explanations is the best solution. Saying things like “the baby died. Her heart stopped beating and her body doesn’t work anymore. We will always remember her and love her.”  This explains what happened in a simple and honest way. Allow your child to ask questions. They most likely will ask the same questions over and over, but each time you answer honestly you are allowing them to understand it more deeply. It is not easy to give up parenting a child who has died, and continue to parent your living children. Be patient with yourself and with your children.

Others may find it difficult to know what to say to you, they may have difficulty comprehending what you are going through. Being honest and telling them what you need is most likely the best way to deal with this problem. If saying something to them is difficult you can write them a letter or a note explaining how this has impacted you and what you need from them to help you navigate this journey of grief.

If you are returning to work after the death of your baby make for sure you are kind to yourself, you may have difficulty concentrating, and you may feel confused and cry and have some very difficult days. Before you return to work you might want to communicate your needs as a grieving parent with your supervisor.